Its like being stuck in a pendulum, to and fro we go, I know we do. Those feelings do exist and then there is a damn diary, which devastates everything. I have a question, when I look back at relationships and I smirk away saying that, I was immature when I was in it, doesn't the same apply to the diary writing. How come the diary say that the time together was torrid yet there is not even one thought on the diary written itself.
Not that I ask to question the validity of data, I am just questioning the logic behind some of the things which have relegated me to the quaint corner of Satan's den. Or, atleast am being portrayed so. If it mattered a bit, wouldn't this thought itself be questioned or given a proper thought again.
I again, spin in a tizzy, at break neck speeds on the permutations and combinations of my life and the life changing decision making logic which I undertake. But then I looked back and I am sorry for some of the things, proud of some other things and definitely changed on certain aspects of my life. If I were to be seen in a different light wouldn't that be a fair fighting chance. I sit here thinking and typing what or rather how the things should have transpired.
I saw it, I saw it in the eyes, I saw the apprehended actions, I realized that the entire thing could have been avoided, it could have been different and that it can be different. At the basal level, it still exists. The feeling of togetherness, the feeling of caring for each other, then why speak as if it doesn't mean or one doesn't care. This thought stumps me on countless occasions during this past few days as I try to analyze the situation. I didn't even use a fish bone diagram to derive the causes and effects. I did a bit of soul searching, I still think there is room for improvement, the self manager in me shrieks and shuts up. This isn't an opportunity for the business student in me, its for the humanities, the poet or the writer. Countless times I have made the b-school student in me take the front seat and screw up everything.
Seemed fine back then to strive for those bouts of luxury that could make life better. It was for the later that I wanted to make the best. Believe me even today I only try for that. Having squandered things that have made my life reach here, all I can say is that what I did was for the collective good and not only for myself. Not the selfish frame that I have been drafted into. Convenience was something which I wasn't seeking, neither was I trying to make myself a hero in the situation. I was trying and was trying hard to deliver, which I think I am on the brink with no visibility of success in true sense.
All I could say is that, it was to be, it is to be, there is a thought in my head which deserves the chance and make life beautiful. I go back to the top of the post I am writing today, diary can be a great asset if you understand the gravity back then, just like the past that we laugh at when we look back. Can the same be applied to the diary and corrections be made to it. I know, its tough to think the otherwise and we are quintessential creatures of habit. But once we were a habit not its not. Can it be back to what it was? Can the change be a continuation of the previous chapter just a bit better and more driven towards working it rather than making it a fully gone conclusion. Things change, life becomes just a milestone or a rolling stone, why cant a milestone be a rolling stone
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